Out of my reach but always in my eyeline

I guess I am not as clever as I thought I was. I got an email from Samantha saying that she no longer wants to talk to me because she doesn't think that my intentions are sincere. She said I was in love with the idea of being in love but I wasn't really fully feeling those emotions. I don't know why she got all philosophical and shit on me or what lead her to draw this conclusion but I am hella pissed off that I failed. It makes me question my entire approach. Perhaps this is karma coming back to bite me in the ass.

When I was young I used to have some ridiculous ideals about life. I used to think that magic was possible. I used to believe in astrology, psychics and all that jazz. Where did the saying "all that jazz" come from anyway? I use it all the time and I have no idea where it's origin lies. When we fall in love, we just fall in love with ourselves is the way that Tom Chaplin puts it. He also says that love is just a lyric in a children's rhyme. Right now I am sitting outside with my laptop on my lap and it's kinda warm lol.

I don't remember exactly what age I was when I started to see all of these childish ideals crumble before me. They say that when you are 3 years old you develop death anxiety and that death anxiety is what spawns your destructive voice. It is born out of fear. The mind killer. Fear sucks and it can go fuck itself. The pipers calling you to join him - I never understood what that lyric meant. My older sister used to listen to Led Zeplin all the time.

When I entered into high school I remember still feeling somewhat optimistic about life. I don't know exactly how to explain clearly my definition of optimism. I think I was more ignorant than anything. I thought that the world was a certain way in my head and that excited me but then I learned that I was wrong and it wasn't like that at all. I had a pretty miserable and depressing time as an adolescent. I think a lot of people share similar experiences when it comes to childhood. When I look back now, yes I did have SOME good times but there was a blanket feeling of being depressed and feeling inferior to my peers. It is amazing how differently I think about life now compared to when I was a teenager. I was very angry and frustrated. I developed a very bad attitude toward life in general because I was angry that I wasn't getting respect from my peers. Even worse I felt like I was being victimized by them.

I am obviously a product of my mom and dad but it wasn't until recent that I realized how much influence my mom had on the man I am today. She overprotected me. I have often wished that I had grown up in a family where I had older brothers who would have kicked my ass and made me tougher. Having just one older sister made me a different person. I have been through things in my life that have toughened me up but I still am a pussy about certain things. Even though I KNOW what things I should change about myself doesn't mean that it's easy to do.