A new leaf has been turned over

OK so I have scrapped the idea of getting girls to fall in love with me and then break their hearts. I think I am finally over my ex now and I think maybe she did me a favour. I don't know how to explain it but for some reason I fell relieved that she cheated on me and left me. I know I wasn't totally happy with her or better yet I wasn't making her happy and I was feeling the effects of those actions and as a result I was feeling crappy if that makes any sense?

So with this new perspective I realized that I have too big of a heart and too heavy of a conscience to be going around breaking young girl's hearts to quote the king of pop. I am now kind of confused and I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down. I don't know if I want just a girlfriend or if I want just casual sexual flings. I dunno. All I know is I want something and I am not going to stop until I get it, whatever it is. Ok, this is not making a lot of sense but love never does make sense does it? There I go throwing around the world love. I am not sure I have ever truly been in love before. I know I have experienced lust before and codependency but neither of those constitute much of love do they?

What I am doing now is really just going through the online dating site and messaging whatever girl I feel like it. I think that I have been judging a book by its cover so to speak. I think that I am trying too hard to pick the right kind of girl. The truth is that I really don't know what kind of girl is going to make me happy. I don't think you can look on paper and say this is the girl for me. I think that maybe the kind of girl I will best gel with may be nothing I would have ever thought would be my type. I think it comes down to random things that put together can make for happiness. I think this has been part of my problem my whole life. I have always forced things that I think are right. I have not let things happen naturally. I think the big part of the problem here is that I have figured out that I am not "right" very often.

I see myself as an intellect but at the same time I make very bad decisions and I do stupid things. How can someone who is so smart, make such dumb choices? It makes me wonder if I am bright at all? Maybe I give myself too much credit. Maybe I am not as smart as I think. Maybe I am just as average as everyone else that I constantly put down. I think I need to start seeing a shrink. Maybe I can find an attractive shrink just like Tony did in the Sopranos. I wish they would bring that show back. I think it was an awesome series and I really like James Gandalfini. I am getting off on a weird tangent here so I am gonna go for now. I have more girls I need to message. I will let you know all how it goes soon. I promise.